Two Months

Today is 2 months. Two months of a new normal that isn't normal at all. Two months of tearful outbursts, two months of feeling lost in a nightmare no one will wake me up from, two months of realizing one of the most important people in my life is gone. Before all this, I'd always said there were a handful of people I'd be lost without and would probably need to be issued a straight jacket if something ever happen to them; my kids, Jason, my mom, and Ryan. This is my circle. These are my people. No one offered me that straight jacket and a stay in a mental health facility has sounded like a nice break. But alas, life beckons, and I must answer. I kept waiting for someone to say, "She's lost it" and come get me. 

You don't realize the things that will hurt the most. It's the first time something happens that you can't wait to tell them and you pick up the phone to call or text. Then it dawns on you, AGAIN, they're gone. The weird part is you lose them all over again every single day. I log onto Facebook and someone will have made a lovely gesture and posted his picture but BOOM, there it is, first thing in the morning. My coffee with a side of gut wrenching pain. I know it sounds mean, but sometimes I don't want to see his face. Sometimes seeing his face makes me have to hold back an animalistic sobbing whale from rising up from my insides. If my feelings could make a sound I feel like it would something like a wounded animal in the wild. No real words to speak of; just the sound of pain and desperation because no words are fitting. I have no words for what I feel. It's a pain that's mind, body, and soul. It's all consuming. I remember his hands, every mark on his body, every scar, his thick beard, his tattoos, his keloids…. I take on physical symptoms I fear he felt. I wonder if he was in pain. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he knew I was coming. I can only allow those thoughts to creep in once in a while because it's just too much. I fear I will die, too. Maybe it's because I don't think life goes on without him. Human life is so fragile. I thought he was superhuman. I guess I'm not, either.

I don't like breaking down in front of people. I didn't want that to happen but it has. At my final pow wow at school, everyone commended me on finishing school amid all this. I couldn't stop the tears. People tell you how strong you are. I don't think I'm strong. I certainly wasn't as tears rolled out uncontrollably and I sobbed like a baby while sitting on a stage in a room full of grown women. At the end, you're given the mic to say something pivotal. To offer words of wisdom to the future grads. I had poignant things to say planned. I was going to move them. I was going to push every woman in that room to love one another, to grab the world by the balls, to be unstoppable. All I really did was sob into the mic and inaudibly babble that I'd lost my brother so be nice to each other. Whoops…. I was still coherent enough to look down into the crowd as I wept and saw two girls tapping away on their iPads as my soul was raw and exposed, drenched in a spotlight. It crossed my mind to call them out but the truth is, I've fought more battles in the past two months than I care to admit. I've had public brawls and had several not-so-shining moments. I've been like that drunk, white trash woman at the county fair that came for two reasons; to drink beer and fight and she just ran out of beer. I'm tired of fighting so I let them tap. My mother is a gentle soul and doesn't care for public spats. This makes it all the more odd that the two of the mouthiest people on earth are her children. She's gentle; meaning she will handle things slowly and methodically and hit you from behind after you think things have died down. You have to respect that kind of approach. I tend to swing first and ask questions later; it's not my best feature. Problem is, you always see me coming. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. I'm trying to decline as many invitations as I can these days. It's not cute and I'd like to be a lady so I'm doing my best to gag that county fair woman. A few brawls that have occurred, I will not apologize for and that's just the way it is. In extreme circumstances, I did what I had to do. In areas that matter, my opponent and I will take it to the woodshed and one of us isn't going to come back alive. That's just me and Ryan would've been the first to tell you that. Had be been able, he would've cautioned them from jump: "I wouldn't if I were you." I had already decided that if the situation got out of control, I'd have to have my own t-shirt fundraiser. I was going to do a very Courtney Love photo cradled in text reading "Free KILLER's Sister". It was for attorney's fees, etc.

My anger phase is beginning to dissipate and I'm experience a weird drive. A drive from within to fight and conquer and deep lack of concern for many things. I feel like a piece of him has crawled inside me and he's decided to finish out the ride by taking me up a notch. Maybe I've made that all up in my head…. Whatever works, right? All my doubts and fears have faded away. I don't scrutinize or doubt myself anymore. I jump into things with both barrels and I've had a lot of experiences in the passed two months I might have otherwise missed. Why miss things? I'm going to do things and do them the way I want to do them. I don't care who's watching or what they're thinking. I've been friended by a lot of people who only came to be a looky-loo…. To watch the train wreck in slow motion. I've heard the rumors of people back home asking if he was a "transvestite". I laugh really hard at that; he would, too. Ordinarily, I'd delete these people. Nah….  Come on in. Have a look around. It's all pretty fabulous, lol. If you can't see that, chances are I don't like you anyway. Mom and I discussed how our book would help the LGBT community and do well in areas like the one we grew up in where there are kids going through Ryan's same struggle and feel judged and alone. It will also maybe crack the door and let a little light in for the local yocals. Even if it doesn't, they'll still read it 'cause they're nosy and it will contribute money into his foundation. Either way, it's a win-win.

I'll go days and not feel his presence and then one day I can feel his energy. Ryan was like a father figure to me. He was aggressive with me but because he saw me as his responsibility, as an extension of himself. Ryan was loving with me but stern, as well. He wasn't afraid to shake the shit out of me, either. When he's with me, it feels like he's trying to push me. I have bad dreams and one night I dreamt he was standing behind glass and I was clawing and screaming trying to get to him. He was trying to say something to me but I couldn't hear him. I woke up sobbing and screaming his name. My heart was pounding and I sat up and caught my breath. I rolled over, decided I couldn't face the day, and went back to sleep. I woke up moments later, shoving at something because I felt like I was being booted out of bed. I got up and I faced the damned day and I got a lot accomplished. You see, I couldn't quit school. He would've killed me for that. He would never want me to let this put me into a holding period. Using this as an excuse to quite life would've just made things worse.

We had an awesome guest speaker at school. She was an expert in Chinese astrology. I looked up all my loved one's energies as she spoke. Ryan was a dragon. The only animal in the zodiac that is a mythical creature. Villagers would live at the base of mountains because they believed dragons lived behind them. If the village was ever attacked, the dragons would descend over the mountains and protect them. Dragons protect fiercly even if they know you're wrong. She said, "God help those who mess with a dragon's person". He was my dragon; my beautiful, protective, mythical dragon. My dragon would never leave me, he protects me in a different way now.

At night I lay down and try to sleep. I allot an hour of sleeplessness for heavy thoughts. I think of him every night and, yes, I cry every single night. Sometimes it's one tear, sometimes it's convulsions. Last night, was no different. My thoughts drifted to my brother. I feel asleep around 2:00 but my dream was very different than the disturbing dreams I've had prior. I dreamt I was auditioning for some sort of stage appearance. I didn't get it and I left pissed. I walked out thinking they wouldn't know talent if it hit 'em in the face. I left and walked into the parking lot and saw a vintage '57 chevy. I thought, "I like that one. I'll take that." I got into the car and blasted off down a beautiful scenic road that was new yet so familiar. The air was fresh and crisp and I could smell that old car smell; musty and engine-like. Out of nowhere I lit up a cigarette. I haven't smoked in almost a year but I was sure enjoying that camel. I hit the gas, the engine revved, and the horsepower pleased me ever so much. The wind was in my hair and I felt free. I blasted with nowhere in particular in mind, just enjoying the ride. Maybe this was him subliminally letting me see into things. Maybe he was too much for this life. Maybe he metaphorically walked off stage and blasted off in a vehicle of his choosing.

Two months and I've pictured him in a thousand different ways: reincarnated as a fox, forever on a stage doing what he loved, a white light surrounding us, being very James Dean in that car forever on a joyride. Two months and I've lost him everyday since. It hurts less to think of him in a beautiful state and forever with me. I will never see him again. I will never talk to him again. I have to figure out how to make decisions without his guidance. But like I said, my dragon didn't leave me. I question less because I feel like I'm being steered internally. I'm free because I've been given the knowledge that your life is yours alone. No one can live it for you and no one is judge and jury. No one is going to crawl into your coffin with you so remember that the next time you debate how others will feel about YOUR choices. How will you feel when you've altered who you are for someone who won't be following you? You have one life. Live it true.

 

I have to find him in other ways now. I have to listen, I have to be open, I have to be willing to be outside the box. I will not close my mind or care who finds my choices out of their realm of understanding. Yes two months, I've lost him everyday but I find him everywhere. I find myself everyday.