I began staying home fulltime after Lily was born. When Drew was born, I stayed home with him until he was about 4 and then he went into daycare so I could work. We started him off being there in small doses and worked our way up so there was an adjustment period before he stared school so I was a little more prepared for that one. With Lily, I had intended to go back to work after she was born and had worked up until a few weeks before she was born. I was waiting tables at a privately owned restaurant by male owners who were less than pregnant woman friendly but the money was great so I took their crap. I was informed by the owners they were concerned that customers would find my belly offensive and/or be afraid to ask for me for things. Then they pulled out the doozy of all excuses of why they didn’t want me working while pregnant. They actually told me they feared my water could break in the kitchen and that would violate health codes. Never mind the mold and cockroaches running rampant in the kitchen of a place you’re paying $35 for a steak violating health codes. The day I quit, I was scheduled to close lunch but I had to pick up Drew from school at 3:00. I traded hours with another waiter who really needed the money so it worked out for everyone involved. One of the owners caught wind of this, (even though this was commonly done but he was gunning for me), so he said: “If you just can’t keep up anymore, maybe you shouldn’t be on the schedule until after the baby’s born”. My pregnancy had nothing to do with my reasons for needing to leave but he was more interested in getting me and my unsightly baby bump off his staff for the next month or so. I was a good waiter, showed up my on time, left my personal life at home and ran circles around the losers they hired who showed up late and pronounced ceviche as “ce-vetch-e”. I quit right then and there. I later went back to visit former coworkers and show them my new baby girl and was offered my job back. I told them that unless hell had frozen over and I missed the memo I wouldn’t be returning.
After quitting, I went home and waited for the arrival of my little girl. On November 21, 2005 there she was; screaming, fire engine red and perfect. As time passed Jason and I discussed if me staying at home fulltime was a possibility. He agreed it was something we’d both be more comfortable with and it would make life easier not to have to adjust two schedules to get Drew to and from school and school functions and have to juggle daycare. It felt wonderful to be able to take Drew to school and to be there to pick him up and stay there after he got home. These past five years I’ve missed nothing. I’ve been there for everything and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. This is a truly a blessing because I know not all mothers are this fortunate and I am thankful for this every single day. Lily has been by my side every single day for five years. There’s been one or two nights she and her brothers have stayed with my mom while Jason and I ran off for a weekend alone but that’s the about the extent of it. I got so busy buying her school supplies, clothes and dealing with her eye drama that I hadn’t taken the time to think about how this would affect me emotionally. Her first day, I had a total breakdown. If I were to be perfectly honest, it’s winding down but I have cried every single day this week after dropping her off. It’s tapering off and now it’s just a few streaming tears in the car on my way back home. No longer is it the full-on ugly cry and throwing myself into the fetal position that went on the first day. Yesterday I thought I was safe because I stood outside the cafeteria to watch her take her place in her “line” and wait for her teacher and saw a little girl in her class come sit next to her and they started talking. Turns out it made me cry anyway because I was proud for her making new friends. Yes, I’m pathetic but you’re just going to have to accept me in all my overbearing, clingy motherly glory. These kids are all I know….
I’m not just bawling constantly because I miss her. Yes, that’s a HUGE part of it but all I can think is; as fast as these five years went, Pootie will be starting kindergarten in no time. We’ve agreed once Pootie starts school we will not only have stopped calling him Pootie and will have finally gotten him to answer to his actual name but that I will also be starting school. We’ve begun our transition phase and it’s both exciting and scary. If I’m not a 24/7 mommy, who am I? I’m not so sure I know anymore. I’ll be starting a new adventure right along with my kids. I think I’m more afraid than they are. As a stay-at-homer, I can attest that we become almost hermit-like and lose most of our social skills and begin to live solely for our children if you stay home for any length of time. Hopefully it’s like riding a bike and I will re-enter society and it’ll be a breath of fresh air. It’s so funny how in the past I would beg for silence but now the silence is making me insane. The old adage is true: “Be careful what you wish for….” I’m learning to let go and look to the future even though it scares me. Maybe when the time comes for me to start school Lily will make me a snack, hold my hand and make sure I make it to my classroom okay. I think one little, “It’ll be okay, mommy”, will surely go a long way.
