Stripped and Redressed

Being as how a new year is about to begin -- and thank God -- it feels somewhat of a cliche time to do "the new me" shit. This has nothing to do with the turn of another year. This has to do with me having noticed a change within myself that I didn't even have to force. I would love to tell you I've sailed through life with casual hair flips, smart-assed quips, and simple shoulder brushes in response to the harsh battles of life but it's not true. I'd love to tell you I never let things bog me down or "get in" but that's a lie. A lot has gotten to me. I've internalized, I've wasted time and energy on undeserving issues and people. I used to worry so much I'd make myself sick. My anxiety had reached a fever pitch and it was becoming debilitating in the passed few years. If I couldn't think of something to worry about, I'd make something up. I willingly describe myself as somewhat of a neurotic headcase. I have felt that person diminish and I've emerged stronger than ever before. I've had an internal funeral for her. We've shared a lot of years together; me and that inner voice of doubt. She's gone now and I am in her place. I'm stronger, more assertive, less eager to please, more self-motivated, and I no longer care for or need any type of validation. I don't need guidance or my hand held. I'm not the same girl because those things got to me. I rolled around in it for a while and I grew tired. I'm done now. 

While in Fort Lauderdale, I was having too many drinks with Raelyn. As the drinks flowed, we discussed many things but we talked about who we are and why we are the way we are. She shared things about herself that put everything about her into perspective. I got a glimpse of her fearlessness and how it came to be. I admired fearless people. I envied their ability to be whoever they wanted. She told me she's noticed a complete change in me the past few months. A change she described as someone who evolved and commands respect. I loved that because I do. I demand it at this point in my life. I won't settle for anything less than that because I deserve it. If I sense I'm not getting it, I will cut people off so fast their heads will spin. I have no patience or time for petty shit, stupidity, false friendships, disrespect, ignorance, bigotry, or anything that doesn't suit me. Everyone has the right to their opinion and I reserve the right to think they're stupid. Same goes for them. Someone not liking you or disagreeing with you has no more power than your feelings towards them. Everyone has their own feelings and beliefs. You have yours, I'll have mine, and there's no law that says we need to interface. If by some misfortune we do, I'll respect you if you respect me. Don't start none, won't be none.

Here's the big one: I also don't diet anymore. If you know me, you know what a life-long obsession/struggle my body image has been for me. There are still assholes from high school, who send me friend requests I refuse to accept because they called me fat my entire school career. I've spent years working out and dieting only to lose and gain back the same 20-30 lbs. for years. You know what I did? I went and bought clothes that are my size. My actual size. I no longer buy clothes a few sizes too small that were a little bit too expensive just to guilt myself into fitting into them. I get ready and they slide right on. No more rationing out another 30 minutes of get-ready time for meltdowns and self-loathing. I'm this size; the size I stay eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I eat ice cream with my kids, I make cobblers and dumplins' and snuggle with Jason under the covers on lazy Sunday afternoons. He still squeezes my parts with love and lust whether that 30 lbs. is on or off. I still strut even if there's a little extra poundage along for the ride. I have a sassy walk and it's been pointed out to me time and time again throughout my life. I walk like I have nothing to apologize for and everything to celebrate. It's never come about because of a conscience effort, it's just there. Some people have commended me for it, some people have seemed offended that I have the audacity to think I'm fine anyway. What if I told you I've come to like my softness? I'm not going to diet, I'm not going to hide my body. This is me. This is how I come. I'm voluptuous and I'm going to admit that I like me just fine. I owe myself an apology for being the biggest bitch I knew. I've lived my life and put three beautiful babies on this earth. I've failed, I've conquered, I've learned, I've loved, I've lost, and I did it all in this body. It's mine and I will love it. It is my vehicle. I will love myself. I'll feed her, dress her sassy, and keep my strut. That strut might even be a little deeper these days.

That book is finally going to happen. Mom and I will be writing a book about Ryan for our own healing and to put funds into his foundation. I've been brave enough to reach out to celebrities to ask for their input and/or participation; celebrities I know are supportive of the LGBT community and will only contribute to the cause. Their voice, their power can move mountains. I've realized, if you don't stick your neck out there, you're guaranteed to never make it happen. A chance is a chance. If no one responds to show interest, what have I lost? But if they do…. Look what I did. I feel we can create change, we can make a difference, we can help. I will make something positive out of a tragic loss. I am not afraid to turn the spotlight on our situation. I'm not afraid to invite people in. There's nothing to hide and everything to share. I feel powerful. The old me might have never typed that letter or sent that request. The new me hit send with excitement, not reservation. People will learn who we are. It's a story worth being told. People will read it because we were brave enough to write it. We will open the flood gates. It could create drama but it could also help facilitate mending some broken relationships. It could bring about apologies and forgiveness or it could create war. It could go many ways. It will be honest, it will be beautiful and brutal in some spaces. Fasten your seat belts. I fear nothing where this is concerned. Most importantly, it will help those I wish to help; anyone lost, judged, or misunderstood. From us to you.

I cling to those who love me for me and recognize and eliminate those who don't. Unfortunately, everyone who smiles in your face is not your friend. Fuck 'em. If you hang your value on others, you will never surpass them. I'm not saying friends aren't valuable; they absolutely are but don't get caught up in people pleasing and their approval. People who need to move in packs will never leave that pack. They will always look next to them to make sure they're on the same pace. While they're busy looking to the side, they're going to trip. Will that pack slow down to turn around and help you back up or will they keep moving? My circle is small and I keep it that way. I'm not so hungry for relationships that I sacrifice myself. I think I have a lot to offer, I'm a good friend and I'm fun. If that's not enough to win you over, bon voyage. I will strut it out with or without you. You're either with me or against me. Don't let the door hit ya. 

I do things by myself. I used to hate going to the mall or eating alone. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, "I took that fear to lunch." I've ventured out into dining alone and trips to the mall as a party of one. It's not bad, actually. There's a certain dignity to it. Mystery. People seem concerned by it. You get approached and asked if you're okay. It was fun to say, "I'm great, thanks." A few men at a hotel bar nearly got the Julia Sugarbaker, Ray Don speech. Nonetheless, I can do all these things solo. There's a peace in knowing that. Having to travel in a pack or with a companion is armor. That armor started to feel heavy so I took it off. I'm here, I'm solid. 

I've stripped away the parts of me I didn't like and gained a few traits that might seem harsh. I'm not jaded, I'm not cold, I've molded into what life has given me to work with. I've adapted and changed to fit the path I'm on and where I wish it to lead me. My dreams aren't outlandish. It really will require very little to get me to the point I want to be at in life but for the first time I feel like I'll go wherever I want. I don't feel discontent but I know I want more. I won't be stopped to wallow in misery I can easily eliminate. I won't allow myself to be tortured by MYSELF or anyone else. In essence, I've been stripped and redressed and I'm loving this new outfit.