Stripped and Redressed

Being as how a new year is about to begin -- and thank God -- it feels somewhat of a cliche time to do "the new me" shit. This has nothing to do with the turn of another year. This has to do with me having noticed a change within myself that I didn't even have to force. I would love to tell you I've sailed through life with casual hair flips, smart-assed quips, and simple shoulder brushes in response to the harsh battles of life but it's not true. I'd love to tell you I never let things bog me down or "get in" but that's a lie. A lot has gotten to me. I've internalized, I've wasted time and energy on undeserving issues and people. I used to worry so much I'd make myself sick. My anxiety had reached a fever pitch and it was becoming debilitating in the passed few years. If I couldn't think of something to worry about, I'd make something up. I willingly describe myself as somewhat of a neurotic headcase. I have felt that person diminish and I've emerged stronger than ever before. I've had an internal funeral for her. We've shared a lot of years together; me and that inner voice of doubt. She's gone now and I am in her place. I'm stronger, more assertive, less eager to please, more self-motivated, and I no longer care for or need any type of validation. I don't need guidance or my hand held. I'm not the same girl because those things got to me. I rolled around in it for a while and I grew tired. I'm done now. 

While in Fort Lauderdale, I was having too many drinks with Raelyn. As the drinks flowed, we discussed many things but we talked about who we are and why we are the way we are. She shared things about herself that put everything about her into perspective. I got a glimpse of her fearlessness and how it came to be. I admired fearless people. I envied their ability to be whoever they wanted. She told me she's noticed a complete change in me the past few months. A change she described as someone who evolved and commands respect. I loved that because I do. I demand it at this point in my life. I won't settle for anything less than that because I deserve it. If I sense I'm not getting it, I will cut people off so fast their heads will spin. I have no patience or time for petty shit, stupidity, false friendships, disrespect, ignorance, bigotry, or anything that doesn't suit me. Everyone has the right to their opinion and I reserve the right to think they're stupid. Same goes for them. Someone not liking you or disagreeing with you has no more power than your feelings towards them. Everyone has their own feelings and beliefs. You have yours, I'll have mine, and there's no law that says we need to interface. If by some misfortune we do, I'll respect you if you respect me. Don't start none, won't be none.

Here's the big one: I also don't diet anymore. If you know me, you know what a life-long obsession/struggle my body image has been for me. There are still assholes from high school, who send me friend requests I refuse to accept because they called me fat my entire school career. I've spent years working out and dieting only to lose and gain back the same 20-30 lbs. for years. You know what I did? I went and bought clothes that are my size. My actual size. I no longer buy clothes a few sizes too small that were a little bit too expensive just to guilt myself into fitting into them. I get ready and they slide right on. No more rationing out another 30 minutes of get-ready time for meltdowns and self-loathing. I'm this size; the size I stay eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I eat ice cream with my kids, I make cobblers and dumplins' and snuggle with Jason under the covers on lazy Sunday afternoons. He still squeezes my parts with love and lust whether that 30 lbs. is on or off. I still strut even if there's a little extra poundage along for the ride. I have a sassy walk and it's been pointed out to me time and time again throughout my life. I walk like I have nothing to apologize for and everything to celebrate. It's never come about because of a conscience effort, it's just there. Some people have commended me for it, some people have seemed offended that I have the audacity to think I'm fine anyway. What if I told you I've come to like my softness? I'm not going to diet, I'm not going to hide my body. This is me. This is how I come. I'm voluptuous and I'm going to admit that I like me just fine. I owe myself an apology for being the biggest bitch I knew. I've lived my life and put three beautiful babies on this earth. I've failed, I've conquered, I've learned, I've loved, I've lost, and I did it all in this body. It's mine and I will love it. It is my vehicle. I will love myself. I'll feed her, dress her sassy, and keep my strut. That strut might even be a little deeper these days.

That book is finally going to happen. Mom and I will be writing a book about Ryan for our own healing and to put funds into his foundation. I've been brave enough to reach out to celebrities to ask for their input and/or participation; celebrities I know are supportive of the LGBT community and will only contribute to the cause. Their voice, their power can move mountains. I've realized, if you don't stick your neck out there, you're guaranteed to never make it happen. A chance is a chance. If no one responds to show interest, what have I lost? But if they do…. Look what I did. I feel we can create change, we can make a difference, we can help. I will make something positive out of a tragic loss. I am not afraid to turn the spotlight on our situation. I'm not afraid to invite people in. There's nothing to hide and everything to share. I feel powerful. The old me might have never typed that letter or sent that request. The new me hit send with excitement, not reservation. People will learn who we are. It's a story worth being told. People will read it because we were brave enough to write it. We will open the flood gates. It could create drama but it could also help facilitate mending some broken relationships. It could bring about apologies and forgiveness or it could create war. It could go many ways. It will be honest, it will be beautiful and brutal in some spaces. Fasten your seat belts. I fear nothing where this is concerned. Most importantly, it will help those I wish to help; anyone lost, judged, or misunderstood. From us to you.

I cling to those who love me for me and recognize and eliminate those who don't. Unfortunately, everyone who smiles in your face is not your friend. Fuck 'em. If you hang your value on others, you will never surpass them. I'm not saying friends aren't valuable; they absolutely are but don't get caught up in people pleasing and their approval. People who need to move in packs will never leave that pack. They will always look next to them to make sure they're on the same pace. While they're busy looking to the side, they're going to trip. Will that pack slow down to turn around and help you back up or will they keep moving? My circle is small and I keep it that way. I'm not so hungry for relationships that I sacrifice myself. I think I have a lot to offer, I'm a good friend and I'm fun. If that's not enough to win you over, bon voyage. I will strut it out with or without you. You're either with me or against me. Don't let the door hit ya. 

I do things by myself. I used to hate going to the mall or eating alone. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, "I took that fear to lunch." I've ventured out into dining alone and trips to the mall as a party of one. It's not bad, actually. There's a certain dignity to it. Mystery. People seem concerned by it. You get approached and asked if you're okay. It was fun to say, "I'm great, thanks." A few men at a hotel bar nearly got the Julia Sugarbaker, Ray Don speech. Nonetheless, I can do all these things solo. There's a peace in knowing that. Having to travel in a pack or with a companion is armor. That armor started to feel heavy so I took it off. I'm here, I'm solid. 

I've stripped away the parts of me I didn't like and gained a few traits that might seem harsh. I'm not jaded, I'm not cold, I've molded into what life has given me to work with. I've adapted and changed to fit the path I'm on and where I wish it to lead me. My dreams aren't outlandish. It really will require very little to get me to the point I want to be at in life but for the first time I feel like I'll go wherever I want. I don't feel discontent but I know I want more. I won't be stopped to wallow in misery I can easily eliminate. I won't allow myself to be tortured by MYSELF or anyone else. In essence, I've been stripped and redressed and I'm loving this new outfit.

My Paul Mitchell Sisters And The End Of An Era. A Tribute To Us.

As I've reached the end of a defining period of my life, I feel compelled to journal it. As school has come to a close, I realize the vast changes that have taken place for me personally and professionally. I always knew I wanted to attend Paul Mitchell. Not long after Jason and I moved to Dallas, we lived in an apartment in Dallas proper. I was working minuscule jobs at the time, waiting tables, bartending, etc. I worked on Beltline Road in Addison and everyday I would drive passed Paul Mitchell. I would see the girls and the occasional boy outside, dressed in all black. They looked chic, artistic, fab. As I would pass by wearing an apron and a tie, I would mentally think how much I'd rather be in their stylish shoes. If we were in competition, they were winning. I'm not really sure why, but I filed it away as a goal to be accomplished at a later date. Somewhere in there I think I genuinely thought it would never happen. I toured the school once around that time. I loved it and it became a mild obsession. I would tour it several times before enrolling. Not long after, I had Lily and Reid and I made the decision to stay at home and give them every ounce of myself until the time was right. I decided the time would be right when Reid began school. I wrote a long-winded blog back last October about what I had to go through to get my GED. That, in and of itself, was a major roadblock. I did it and I waited with baited breath as I applied for financial aid and began the enrollment process. It was finally happening! It was going to be more than a stepping stone to a career for me. It was me venturing back out into society. What stay-at-home-mothers fear admitting to people is that you lose a piece of yourself in the process. You willingly forfeit that for the benefits but you become somewhat socially awkward and desperate for the sound of adult conversation. Ratty yoga pants become a uniform, a disheveled bun and bare face are the norm. I wondered if I'd lost my ability to interact with people. Who was I outside of this house? If I'm not just the kid's mom and Jason' wife, who was I? Did I even know? Was I still likable? Am I that woman that only talks about her kids because I have nothing else to draw from? God, please don't let me be her! I hate that woman! There was nothing to do but dive in and see what happened… This was my reemergence. The next phase.

Orientation day came. We all filed in like cattle dressed for a funeral. Everyone looked nervous and excited. We were being guided into a large conference room and music was blasting. The enrollment team was awaiting us. They were larger than life, perky, and dancing. They said, "You'll be dancing too by the end of the day!" I thought, "I bet I won't." At first I thought I wasn't going to be a good fit because I wasn't perky enough. I got nervous for a minute…  We were inundated with Paul Mitchell culture and buzz words. The majority were people entering cosmetology. The estheticians were a small group. Even smaller when you specify you're a night esty. As fate would have it, two of my future classmates were located at my same table. The day was long and I really just wanted to get to the nitty-gritty. One thing was certain, it was all about black patterned tights and black boots. I needed to reenter the fashion world, go out and buy both…..like, yesterday.

Day one, we get our kits. It's referred to as "kit-mas". There's something that makes it real once you're fondling something tangible. Things you'll actually use. Products that read "professional use only" gives you a feeling of power even though you don't know what to do with them yet. Our core teacher was a woman named Chris. Chris was welcoming and had made us cupcakes. She was warm and had a very friendly energy. I immediately felt safe under her tutelage. You could say, "Chris, I have a question" and she would always pause, acknowledge, and say "Yes?" Unless of course this was something you'd been told a few hundred times over or something she felt you needed to figure out for yourself so you wouldn't have to ask again. You never didn't receive an answer because she wasn't interested; it was all part of her process. She was nurturing but didn't take any crap; all the qualities I like in a woman. She let us dive in immediately. She coached us and guided us as we took our first baby steps into our futures. I think we were better for having been her students. 

Our core room was a small room located towards the back of the school. I would be confined in this space with these women for a long time to come. I didn't know these women or anything about them. You can look around the room and try to get a feel for who they all are but it doesn't work. Getting to know these women would take time and we had plenty. When we began doing facials we were all so timid to get all up in each other's business. In reality, it's the quickest way to break the ice. You quickly learn that you better get really comfortable getting in each other's personal space because that's your new job. A guest speaker once said that people in our industry go where other people don't dare to go. We lay our hands on you, we enter a zone others typically cannot in everyday situations. Sometimes you don't realize you may be working on someone that is rarely touched and your touch is therapeutic. That's a pretty intense thought. We ladies began preparing for this by working on each other. We began learning about one another's skin but as time passed, we began learning what lay beneath. 

Let's meet the ladies….

My tablemate was the first person I really got to know. Miss Brittney Lamb. Brittney was quiet. Friendly, but quiet at first. We exchanged hellos everyday and mindless "gettin' to know ya" chitchat. Table mates would automatically team up when assigned partner facials. I've worked on Brittney more than anyone. I know her teeny-tiny face like the back of my hand. Our mindless chitchat grew into more in-depth conversations. Brittney always carried a large, elaborate pink and grey lunchbox. As my classmates and myself were stuffing ourselves sick with Jimmy Johns and vending machine garbage, Brittney would excuse herself and eat in the breakroom. I finally asked what that was all about and she explained she was a fitness competitor and in training. It was then I went home and immediately crept on her Facebook. My jaw hit the floor. She will get mad at me for this if she reads this because she's very low-key about it BUT her body is sickening!!! She's stunning in person but she's humble so she covers all that up real good. I had no idea how fit and fabulous she was. I went through pic after pic just in awe. Over a thousand followers!?!?! GEEZ! I was enamored of her. She downplays how hard she works and doesn't like people bringing it up because, from her experience, it invites haters. That's a damn shame. I once took a picture of her ripped arms and after I posted it, she said, "Just wait. Someone will say something hateful." Not on my watch, they won't. I don't eat carefully portioned out containers of brown rice and chicken and work my tail off and anyone who would hate on her doesn't either. It's work and dedication and she does it. Instead of that dedication and hard work being something she can walk with her head held high about, she downplays it because of people who like to break other people down. That's their shit. Don't like it? Then eat a salad and go the gym just like her. If I were her, I'd go to the store naked. I don't have her willpower and my big ass is mine and I'm cool with that. It's got nothing to do with her. I grew to love Brittney very much. Me and my good friend, the swimsuit model. We talked each other off ledges many nights. We nursed each other through many trials and we became fast texting buddies. She was there for me in a very dark period and made sure I was functioning. Brittney doesn't talk smack about people. She's always the first to tell me I may have misconstrued a situation or might be being irrational. More often than not, she's right. She's a genuinely good person. A beautiful, smart, funny, goofy, good person. If anybody can't see that 'cause she's fine, it's their very large loss. I'm so glad she's my friend and I'll watch her toned fanny compete and go straight to the top with pride. That's my friend and isn't she awesome?

Haleigh--

Haleigh and I got to know each other more once we got into creative. Haleigh and I enjoy bitchy humor and as time went on I could hear Haleigh's thoughts even when she wasn't speaking. When something annoying was happening in a crowded room, I had to make a conscious effort not to look at her because I'd bust out laughing. She's feisty but she'll also be the most generous person you'll ever meet if you treat her right. She thinks nothing of giving you something she thinks you'll appreciate; it's second nature to her. Her kindness is pure because she doesn't really even notice it. She's had nothing to gain from the nice things she's done for me. She sent me to L.A. at a very low time and that's not something you see everyday. It's still something that chokes me up and why Haleigh Hood can do no wrong in my eyes. Anyone who would do that has a heart of gold, plain and simple. She's feisty and funny but also gets things done. What's funny is she never looks panicked or like she's scrambling. She always looks cool, calm, and collected but never mistake that for inefficiency. Though it may look like she's just texting, she will have done a facial, spent $200 on Etsy, finished her stamps, done her senior project, booked a flight, and rented a house in Reno -- all the while with her boyfriend on Skype. As this goes on you'll say, "Whattaya doin', Haleigh?" "Oh ya know, hanging out, doin' stuff, bein' a princess." Don't let this princess fool you, she has the world by the balls and she'll go anywhere she damn well pleases with the greatest of ease. I admire that about her. If I ever have a question, I ask Haleigh because she knows everything. She'll solve all your problems in 5 minutes or less and then go get her hair done. That's a skill that cannot be taught, ladies and gentlemen.

Amila--

Amila is my little Bosnian sweet pea. She's our baby; the youngest of the group. Amila is effervescent with an infectious giggle complete with perfect brows and a pixie cut. She's the real, live Tinkerbell in a cuter outfit. I tend to shun affection. I'm not good with the hugs but every now and then someone gets in. Amila's hugs and pets are special. She's very affectionate but I don't mind with her. I love her hugs and she makes me feel loved. I came to feel very motherly towards her. I feel an obligation to protect her, to make sure she dates nice boys, and is home at a decent hour. I think I grounded her once or twice. I still don't think she's supposed to be out of her room. She's sassy and class wouldn't have even been even remotely the same without her. She kept things fun and you noticed her absence when she wasn't there. Everyone loves her and she makes friends everywhere she goes. She keeps things light and she sends me funny GIFS and memes just to make me laugh. She tends to favor animals in funny clothes or dancing. She makes me feel young and really old at the same time. Like I said, I can't look at Haleigh during crowded room scenarios but I don't have to look at Amila because she'll text me "I hate her" while sitting right next to me. I love her and I will miss her funny little quips dearly. 

Crystal--

Crystal will not be the loudest person in the room because she will not fight to be heard. I think it's a dignity thing. She will not get into a situation that doesn't concern her because she's focused on a achieving a goal and I respect the hell out of that. She will sit back, cool as a cucumber and get done what she has to get done. She works all day, goes to school all night, and has a son with autism she does it all for. She's shed light on what that struggle is like and she pointed out things that have never occurred to me. I appreciate the education on things like this. We could all use a little sensitivity training to understand what other people go through that we take for granted. Her son is non-verbal and she once told me how hard it is to hear other children speak or to hear mothers tell their children to be quiet because she would love to hear her son talk. My heart broke for her but you would never know her struggle even in being in close quarters with her everyday. She still does what she has to do to get done what she needs to get done. She fights a tough battle but she makes it look good. She doesn't get caught up in drama and she's forever changed the way I hear, "GUURL" in my mind. No matter what, her hair, makeup, and clothes are gonna be on point. She's a makeup, product, and Starbucks fiend. I wish I could be more like her in her ability to side-step the b.s. She's strong and I don't think much gets in her way. Kudos to her. Her son is making great strides and I hope so much that she gets to hear those words. Mother to mother, she deserves that. She's fierce, she's Mexican, and she'll make it all happen with a Starbucks in her hand and a MAC red lip. Believe that.

Raelyn--

Raelyn is like no one I've ever met before and I mean that in the best way possible. She's a free spirit. Her talents are many but she's not really bound to anything. She'll go where the wind takes her and she's not one to be tied down. When we all go to Florida, Raelyn may wander off and end up in another city and end up staying there for all we might expect. She can go anywhere and make it because she's built that way. She doesn't fear things, she doesn't hold back, and she's not looking for anyone's approval. I envy that the most. She marches to the beat of her own drum and enjoys her life. She's invited me to cool events and let me be a part of some awesome career opportunities. She knows her shit in the industry and I wish I had a fraction of her makeup skills. I could tell Raelyn anything and she'd never judge me or think any less of me. I immediately knew we would be friends when she knew drag culture, liked certain movies, and documentaries. We clicked and I always like hearing her insights. She's been willing to give me tips and I respect the hell out of her for her creative and artistic abilities. She's fun and spunky. I'd like to hang out with her more but I don't think I can keep up. It's like I've told her, I'll work with her or FOR her anytime. You can't sum her up or put her in a box and I think that's about the biggest compliment I could give her. We should all be so lucky.

Amy--

You will never hear someone say the phrase, "I can't stand Amy". Everyone likes Amy. She has a kind word for everyone and is the first to make a thoughtful gesture. She arranges special events and makes sure everyone is on the same page. She's a mother of two, works multiple jobs, and still came to class every night. Though, I saw how hard it was on her from time to time, it wasn't a burden she threw on the table every night. She would take client after client even though I know she had to be exhausted. I was often exhausted just watching her. Amy is already a success in all facets of her life. She's a wonderful mother but she's professional, driven, impeccably dressed, with a blowout for the gods. I would be happy with what she's already accomplished but she wants more and that's amazing. She makes it look easy and I've often wondered where her energizer battery is hidden to be able to get all this done. I've met her daughters and they are wonderful girls so somehow she manages it all and does it well. I take my hat off to her and I have nothing but respect for a woman doing her thing and handling her business. I want to be her when I get my shit together.

Adrienne--

Adrienne has an unmistakable laugh that is so distinctive you would know it's her no matter where you heard it. Another planet? Don't care, that's Adrienne. It's such an awesome laugh that it makes you laugh. It's genuine, it's from the gut, it's loud and beautiful. Adrienne is studious. She takes notes, she knows what, when, where, why, and how much. You don't have to ask, she already emailed you the info. Adrienne: "Didn't you read my email?" I only started checking my email after I felt bad for missing one she'd sent once. If Adrienne doesn't know, the details haven't been released yet. Adrienne used to be on Kidd Kraddick In The Morning. I remember thinking that was the coolest thing ever. She has that radio voice. It's clear, demands to be heard, and respected. She's clever, funny, and just plain likable. I was so pleased to discover her mutual bizarre obsession for all things Amanda Bynes. We once missed someone's run at school because we were in the creative room watching Amanda Bynes go on a rant at LAX on TMZ. I think she's fun and I think she's got a great life ahead of her. She'll excel and be the first to finish anything she touches. We tested out several weird makeup looks on each other and she never complained. "Adrienne, I'm gonna do this, okay?" "It's cool. Whatever. I don't care". She was so easy-going and her bone structure is perfect for being a model but she won't sit still to get it done for shit. Her makeup skills have reached an amazing level. It was a thrill to literally be able to watch her talents grow. I think she's a freaking riot.

Alex--

I had to pass Alex every time I wanted to go to the vending machine for a soda. Alex is very anti-soda. I playfully called her the soda gestapo. She would see me fishing for change in my bag and I would try to sneak passed her. "Getting a soda?", she'd ask. I'd immediately justify my reasons. Her looks of judgements were painful at first but I think she eventually gave up on me. Eventually it became, "Drink your damn soda, I don't care." I said nothing to her when she ate pop tarts. Alex is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Her skin is like porcelain but she always tells us of imaginary skin flaws no one else sees but her. Alex doesn't talk a whole lot but when she does, it's hilarious. You never what she'll say but she'll say exactly what she's thinking. She's a perfectionist and very detail oriented. She also has the cutest assortment of boots you've ever seen. I've gotten to have Alex do a few of my facials and she gave me a few details about her private life during them. I was glad to get to be privy to that. She's not the type that's going to immediately tell you her life story. To get details, you have to be in her circle for a minute. She doesn't mix her personal life with school and that will take her even farther. She's drama free, she's professional, and she'll be hired immediately. She's shared some of her weird fruits and foods that I'm not really sure what they are with me and I've enjoyed our smart-assed back n' forth.

Kayla.

Kayla was my teacher but Kayla was a major part of my experience. When we moved into creative and started getting to know Kayla I wanted to be extra charming because I thought she was fierce and I wanted her to like me. I was trying to be funny and said something a few days in. Whatever it is I said is irrelevant. Kayla turned around and gave me this weird look. I thought, "Oh shit, she hates me." I eventually came to realize Kayla makes faces and not to read too much into it. I quickly developed a deep admiration for Kayla. I wrote her a sappy letter after graduation and apologized if I'd ever blurred the teacher/student lines. She's friendly and warm so it's easily done. She never taught through intimidation or made any of us feel inferior. She was always supportive, laughed with us, and cut us a little slack -- but not too much -- when we were on hard times. I learned so much from her and I will miss her as much as I'll miss anybody. Truth is, I'm hoping we can hang out now that I'm graduated so maybe I won't have to miss her at all. She was an influence that came along at an important time in my life. I needed her support and guidance and her approval meant a lot to me. She taught me makeup, brows, and pointed out that I needed to trust in my abilities and learn to take a compliment. I once did a makeup job and I asked Kayla's opinion. She said it was great. I wasn't happy until I'd all but begged her to pick it apart. I don't know why I do that. She's a big reason I came to school every day so a large portion of my success is due to her. She knew when to hold my hand and when to let go. She never hovered over me or doubted my ability to make a judgement call in the treatment room. I grew to adore and respect her very much. I hold her in very high regard and she was a great influence on me. Nothing would have been the same without her. She was huge piece of the puzzle. I'm not a huggy person and neither is she but I found myself hugging Kayla a lot towards the end. I love her and I just wanted her to know it. Life's short so here's a hug 'cause I love you and shit.

All these women have had such a profound effect on me. I've seen traits and qualities that exist within them that I'd like to adopt for myself. We went on a journey together and we finished it together. We've all seen each other through good times and bad times but I've loved looking at them the past few weeks and seeing the look of self-accomplishment on their faces. I've learned there are things I consider a struggle that might be a walk in the park for of them and vice versa. Where you excel someone might struggle. I learned to never get caught up in professional jealousy. If someone is better at you in something, be humble enough to ask for their advice rather than hate on them for it. I've grown to love these ladies in a deeper way than I ever thought I would. I know their stories, their struggles and I was present for some of those struggles but I was also there for their triumph. I see something in all of them that I can learn from and work on within myself. The past 8 1/2 months have been a whirlwind and I don't recognize the girl on day one unwrapping her kit at "kit-mas". I've been through life-changing events since then and I've come out the other side a completely different person. All my products marked "professional use only" still give me pride because I know what to do with them. I'm a real live esthetician and so are they. I watched their journey and watched us all grow as a group. You're my heroes, ladies. Thank you for the lessons, the laughs, the love. I couldn't picture it with anyone else. I will take a piece of each one of you with me into my future. I hope I can tell you all about it over drinks for years to come. Here's to us.

 

Two Months

Today is 2 months. Two months of a new normal that isn't normal at all. Two months of tearful outbursts, two months of feeling lost in a nightmare no one will wake me up from, two months of realizing one of the most important people in my life is gone. Before all this, I'd always said there were a handful of people I'd be lost without and would probably need to be issued a straight jacket if something ever happen to them; my kids, Jason, my mom, and Ryan. This is my circle. These are my people. No one offered me that straight jacket and a stay in a mental health facility has sounded like a nice break. But alas, life beckons, and I must answer. I kept waiting for someone to say, "She's lost it" and come get me. 

You don't realize the things that will hurt the most. It's the first time something happens that you can't wait to tell them and you pick up the phone to call or text. Then it dawns on you, AGAIN, they're gone. The weird part is you lose them all over again every single day. I log onto Facebook and someone will have made a lovely gesture and posted his picture but BOOM, there it is, first thing in the morning. My coffee with a side of gut wrenching pain. I know it sounds mean, but sometimes I don't want to see his face. Sometimes seeing his face makes me have to hold back an animalistic sobbing whale from rising up from my insides. If my feelings could make a sound I feel like it would something like a wounded animal in the wild. No real words to speak of; just the sound of pain and desperation because no words are fitting. I have no words for what I feel. It's a pain that's mind, body, and soul. It's all consuming. I remember his hands, every mark on his body, every scar, his thick beard, his tattoos, his keloids…. I take on physical symptoms I fear he felt. I wonder if he was in pain. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he knew I was coming. I can only allow those thoughts to creep in once in a while because it's just too much. I fear I will die, too. Maybe it's because I don't think life goes on without him. Human life is so fragile. I thought he was superhuman. I guess I'm not, either.

I don't like breaking down in front of people. I didn't want that to happen but it has. At my final pow wow at school, everyone commended me on finishing school amid all this. I couldn't stop the tears. People tell you how strong you are. I don't think I'm strong. I certainly wasn't as tears rolled out uncontrollably and I sobbed like a baby while sitting on a stage in a room full of grown women. At the end, you're given the mic to say something pivotal. To offer words of wisdom to the future grads. I had poignant things to say planned. I was going to move them. I was going to push every woman in that room to love one another, to grab the world by the balls, to be unstoppable. All I really did was sob into the mic and inaudibly babble that I'd lost my brother so be nice to each other. Whoops…. I was still coherent enough to look down into the crowd as I wept and saw two girls tapping away on their iPads as my soul was raw and exposed, drenched in a spotlight. It crossed my mind to call them out but the truth is, I've fought more battles in the past two months than I care to admit. I've had public brawls and had several not-so-shining moments. I've been like that drunk, white trash woman at the county fair that came for two reasons; to drink beer and fight and she just ran out of beer. I'm tired of fighting so I let them tap. My mother is a gentle soul and doesn't care for public spats. This makes it all the more odd that the two of the mouthiest people on earth are her children. She's gentle; meaning she will handle things slowly and methodically and hit you from behind after you think things have died down. You have to respect that kind of approach. I tend to swing first and ask questions later; it's not my best feature. Problem is, you always see me coming. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. I'm trying to decline as many invitations as I can these days. It's not cute and I'd like to be a lady so I'm doing my best to gag that county fair woman. A few brawls that have occurred, I will not apologize for and that's just the way it is. In extreme circumstances, I did what I had to do. In areas that matter, my opponent and I will take it to the woodshed and one of us isn't going to come back alive. That's just me and Ryan would've been the first to tell you that. Had be been able, he would've cautioned them from jump: "I wouldn't if I were you." I had already decided that if the situation got out of control, I'd have to have my own t-shirt fundraiser. I was going to do a very Courtney Love photo cradled in text reading "Free KILLER's Sister". It was for attorney's fees, etc.

My anger phase is beginning to dissipate and I'm experience a weird drive. A drive from within to fight and conquer and deep lack of concern for many things. I feel like a piece of him has crawled inside me and he's decided to finish out the ride by taking me up a notch. Maybe I've made that all up in my head…. Whatever works, right? All my doubts and fears have faded away. I don't scrutinize or doubt myself anymore. I jump into things with both barrels and I've had a lot of experiences in the passed two months I might have otherwise missed. Why miss things? I'm going to do things and do them the way I want to do them. I don't care who's watching or what they're thinking. I've been friended by a lot of people who only came to be a looky-loo…. To watch the train wreck in slow motion. I've heard the rumors of people back home asking if he was a "transvestite". I laugh really hard at that; he would, too. Ordinarily, I'd delete these people. Nah….  Come on in. Have a look around. It's all pretty fabulous, lol. If you can't see that, chances are I don't like you anyway. Mom and I discussed how our book would help the LGBT community and do well in areas like the one we grew up in where there are kids going through Ryan's same struggle and feel judged and alone. It will also maybe crack the door and let a little light in for the local yocals. Even if it doesn't, they'll still read it 'cause they're nosy and it will contribute money into his foundation. Either way, it's a win-win.

I'll go days and not feel his presence and then one day I can feel his energy. Ryan was like a father figure to me. He was aggressive with me but because he saw me as his responsibility, as an extension of himself. Ryan was loving with me but stern, as well. He wasn't afraid to shake the shit out of me, either. When he's with me, it feels like he's trying to push me. I have bad dreams and one night I dreamt he was standing behind glass and I was clawing and screaming trying to get to him. He was trying to say something to me but I couldn't hear him. I woke up sobbing and screaming his name. My heart was pounding and I sat up and caught my breath. I rolled over, decided I couldn't face the day, and went back to sleep. I woke up moments later, shoving at something because I felt like I was being booted out of bed. I got up and I faced the damned day and I got a lot accomplished. You see, I couldn't quit school. He would've killed me for that. He would never want me to let this put me into a holding period. Using this as an excuse to quite life would've just made things worse.

We had an awesome guest speaker at school. She was an expert in Chinese astrology. I looked up all my loved one's energies as she spoke. Ryan was a dragon. The only animal in the zodiac that is a mythical creature. Villagers would live at the base of mountains because they believed dragons lived behind them. If the village was ever attacked, the dragons would descend over the mountains and protect them. Dragons protect fiercly even if they know you're wrong. She said, "God help those who mess with a dragon's person". He was my dragon; my beautiful, protective, mythical dragon. My dragon would never leave me, he protects me in a different way now.

At night I lay down and try to sleep. I allot an hour of sleeplessness for heavy thoughts. I think of him every night and, yes, I cry every single night. Sometimes it's one tear, sometimes it's convulsions. Last night, was no different. My thoughts drifted to my brother. I feel asleep around 2:00 but my dream was very different than the disturbing dreams I've had prior. I dreamt I was auditioning for some sort of stage appearance. I didn't get it and I left pissed. I walked out thinking they wouldn't know talent if it hit 'em in the face. I left and walked into the parking lot and saw a vintage '57 chevy. I thought, "I like that one. I'll take that." I got into the car and blasted off down a beautiful scenic road that was new yet so familiar. The air was fresh and crisp and I could smell that old car smell; musty and engine-like. Out of nowhere I lit up a cigarette. I haven't smoked in almost a year but I was sure enjoying that camel. I hit the gas, the engine revved, and the horsepower pleased me ever so much. The wind was in my hair and I felt free. I blasted with nowhere in particular in mind, just enjoying the ride. Maybe this was him subliminally letting me see into things. Maybe he was too much for this life. Maybe he metaphorically walked off stage and blasted off in a vehicle of his choosing.

Two months and I've pictured him in a thousand different ways: reincarnated as a fox, forever on a stage doing what he loved, a white light surrounding us, being very James Dean in that car forever on a joyride. Two months and I've lost him everyday since. It hurts less to think of him in a beautiful state and forever with me. I will never see him again. I will never talk to him again. I have to figure out how to make decisions without his guidance. But like I said, my dragon didn't leave me. I question less because I feel like I'm being steered internally. I'm free because I've been given the knowledge that your life is yours alone. No one can live it for you and no one is judge and jury. No one is going to crawl into your coffin with you so remember that the next time you debate how others will feel about YOUR choices. How will you feel when you've altered who you are for someone who won't be following you? You have one life. Live it true.

 

I have to find him in other ways now. I have to listen, I have to be open, I have to be willing to be outside the box. I will not close my mind or care who finds my choices out of their realm of understanding. Yes two months, I've lost him everyday but I find him everywhere. I find myself everyday.