Sunday Funday.

To say my day was amazing would be an understatement.  We ran around my old stomping grounds from when we first moved to Dallas.  It’s always funny to go back to that area and remember starting out here and how different we are now than we were 12 years ago.  We’ve done a lot of growing in the best way possible.  Jen and I stuffed ourselves senseless at Cantina Laredo over margaritas and kee-keed about everything.  We then proceeded to walk every inch of Northpark Mall.  That mall makes for some great people watchin’ and the chance to see how the other half live when you peek into Herve Leger on your way by.  I came across an adorable older couple holding hands and looking very much in love.  Sights such as these restore my faith.  It warms my heart and makes me think lifelong love is possible.  I bet this little couple have had a lot of ups and downs and could tell some stories.  I loved them.  There’s a total chance I’ve written this couple’s story to suit what I’d like it be….  It’s entirely possible they met through a torrid affair, ruined lives and the relationship is still new enough to want to be physical with each other, which explains the affection, but I’d prefer not to go there…  Or would I?  Never mind, I’ve totally gotten off track and it doesn’t fit with where I’m headed…

That little couple made me think of Jason and I and gave me the warm n’ fuzzies.  I don’t fear getting old like I used to.  I see little old couples enjoying days of leisure together while the world hustles around them with their appointments and overpriced coffee.  In some ways I’m envious and I want that for us some day.  Our twilight years alone together after we’ve gotten all our monkeys raised and out on their own seems really nice to me these days.  It was then I remembered I still owed Jason some sophisticated, expensive, yet slutty lingerie. (Not that I lose any sleep about it, but I often wonder if people get offended when I admit that I do things like buy lingerie for my husband…)  But then I think if someone would get offended that a couple that’s been married 14 years and are still happy keep things interesting in very healthy ways, well….  I pity you and I bet your partner is friggin’ miserable.    Nonetheless, I was pleased to see that the Victoria’s Secret had a way better selection.  I did miss my adorable homosexual boy employee in full make-up from the last store.  His precious demeanor and desire to please me made up for the fact that their selection was for crap.  I really wish I could hire him to follow me around daily, tell me I’m fabulous and help me shop.  But this time I had Jen with me for support and there was a beautiful, robust black lady sent from heaven to help me find my perfect sophisticated, expensive, yet slutty lingerie.   She looked like Loni Love from “Chelsea Lately”.  My only complaint is that at all the other Victoria’s Secrets I’ve been to, have soft pink lighting in the dressing room designed to make you look like a flawless goddess.  If I ever become ridiculously wealthy I will buy that very lighting and hire someone to walk 3 feet in front of me at all times.  However, this Victoria’s Secret had the most offensive downward-facing spotlight style lightening that should be outlawed.   l still managed to find something I love and got an added perk at the register when it was 50% off!  AMAZE-BALLZ.   

To celebrate Jen and I went to PF Changs for a chocolate wall.  We are cursed and get really bad service on levels that are almost comical.  We were both once servers and know what constitutes as a busy server as opposed to a server that just sucks.  Often, we get the stoned server that just sucks.  Our server was on another level of bad but the truth of the matter is, if crappy service is the worst thing that happened to me today, I’m not doing so bad.  I was sent loving texts while I was out and I came home to clean dishes in the dishwasher.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Diary Of A Mad Mother

Dealing with a child you know is lying is the most frustrating thing ever!!!  My 13 year only has 2 chores:  take out the trash and keep the dogs fed and watered.  When I was his age, my mom had a note pad that read from the desk of “Shelley” written on it in teal lettering.  Every day, she would use that notepad to give me my multi-page list of chores, written in her signature bubbly handwriting that only a precious few can decipher; me being one of them.   My chores were to be completed upon her return or there would be hell to pay.  Now when my mom reads this, and she will, she will not be able to rest until she points out that we had to do chores because she worked 500 jobs and had to have help, so I’m beating her to the punch.  So there, mom  --  I explained.  We cool??

I’m finding that I have been entirely too soft with my oldest and his total laziness is beginning to frustrate me on a level I can’t even put into words but y’all know I’ll damn sure try.  Drew is a good kid, though.  He never gets in trouble for his behavior at school, he helps me with his brother and sister – not always without attitude, but he does help.  He has good morals and values and respects adults.  So we’re good there but Jason and I have had to have the talk about where we went wrong in obviously allowing this kind of apathy to develop.  I think we’ve strived to give our children everything we never had and it ultimately backfired.  What is sending a kid to their room really going to accomplish now’o days?  He has a tv, a wii, a computer, a cell phone, etc.  Ooooh, that’s affective!  I’m worried about his laziness as it has reached epic proportions.  If I don’t remind him to change out of his pajamas on occasion and to WASH, he’d just sit around in his own funk all the while being perfectly content to do so.  There are two things that really get to me when it comes to my kids.  I hate being lied to – especially because Drew’s a really bad liar and it insults my superior b.s. radar.  The funny thing is, I consider him being a bad liar to be one of his finer qualities.  It certainly makes my job easier.  I also hate when they don’t respect or take care of their things.  Drew’s room is a techy gamer’s dream.  He’s got everything in there!  Jason is also a techy gamer type so he understands Drew’s obsession and often bestows gifts upon him “just because”.  He’ll get him a new game, a new piece for his wii, etc.    For his birthday Drew was sent a large amount of cash from all his grandparents.  When it was all added up, the kid had a pretty good chunk of change to work with.  He went and bought a headset to go with a game that I’d tell you all about if I cared enough to pay attention to what the headset is used for.  I gather from his random chatter up there you can speak to whoever you’re gaming.  He’s a smack talker and I once heard him playing with someone and I heard him say:  “Yeah, I think they’ve got me muted, too”.  I thought to myself:  “I’d mute you too you little, shrill trash-talker”.  A few weeks go by and every time I turn around he had that headset crammed in his ear.  Then one day I’m walking passed his bedroom door with a laundry basket in tow and notice he’s got a belt fashioned around his head.  So yeah….  I stop to check out what’s the story behind that.  He explains his headset is broken so he’s using the belt to keep the headset on.  It’s broken because when he was done using it, he simply threw it onto the floor, allowing it to either get stomped on or rolled over by his computer chair.  That just infuriated me!!  I don’t even want to get started on the time I got the distinct impression he was trying to guilt trip me about the fact that his Iphone is only a 3GS.  Ummm…..  Are you kidding me, kid?  He just doesn’t appreciate what he has and it’s just got my feathers all ruffled at the moment.

I’m not sure which bugs me more:  the lying or not respecting his things?  Let me remind you of his two chores:  trash, feed and water dogs.  THAT’S IT!  This morning I was up before everyone.  I pass by where the dog’s food bowls sit and I notice they’re empty.  I’ve been downstairs the entire time Drew’s been awake so I would have heard him rustling around in the dog food bag and heard the pouring of food into bowls.  Not to mention, Piper collects her food in her mouth, wanders off into the living room, plops it all back out onto the floor and eats it from there.  Why?  I don’t know…  It drives me completely insane but it’s something I’ve learned to live with.  So logic tells me, he hasn’t fed or watered the dogs.  I call him down to ask and he blatantly lies to my face and says that he has.  He goes to feed them and they immediately begin snarfing down their food  --  dead giveaway.  So the argument commences and he’s following through with the lie come hell or high water.  He has a signature “deer in headlights” look and usually flails his arms around for emphasis when he’s lying.  I first asked him if he was aware that his eyes were turning brown because he’s so full of crap.  Then I point out to him that in his 13 years, even when faced with undeniable proof of a lie, he’s never once admitted to lying.  So then I asked him:  “So you’re saying you’ve never lied to me, ever?”  He said:  “No, I lie to you all the time just not about this!”  *audi audi audi*  ß (a lil’ onomatopoeia for ya there because that’s what it sounded like in my head.)  Basically, I’m a mad mom.  I ask for very little and right now I feel like I’m not being given the very little that I do ask for.

When my brother came to visit for a month, he sort of held a mirror up to my face to show me that I was letting my kids run me.  There was a day I spent cleaning pretty much the entire day.  Ryan and I went to pick the kids up from school and when we got home the kids just threw their jackets, backpacks and shoes on the floor.  It was a tornado trail from the front door to the kitchen.  I said nothing and it was clear I have accepted this behavior and just assumed my role as the martyr/maid.  Ryan looked at the trail and called all the kids back downstairs to say:  “Pick this crap up!  Uncle Gogo’s about to start bustin’ skulls!”  The looks on their faces was priceless  --  Fun Uncle Gogo just got real.  Reid started calling Ryan Gogo and it just stuck in case you’re curious about that.  In that moment I realized that I was letting them walk all over me and some things needed to change.  So today I’m going to take a tip from Uncle Gogo and tighten up the reigns around here.  I feel a change in the air and momma’s about to bring the hammer down.  I don’t have my own trusty notepad like my mom did but I bet if I asked her she’s still got several laying around she’d send me.  I think it would almost cathartic to begin their new list of chores in the same fashion I received mine.  To be mean, I should text Drew his chores on his crappy 3GS  --  now that borders on poetic!  It’s go time kiddies!

Let's Go To Dinner

Downtown McKinney is very quaint.  It’s a historic square with vintage shops, artsy-fartsy galleries and it comes alive with a music and bar scene in the evenings.  Our big anniversary celebration began with a hiccup when the restaurant we made reservations at sucked for the last and final time I’m going to try to patronize this place.  I continue to try to have a good experience at this restaurant because the food and atmosphere are amazing.  It has amazing outdoor seating, a gorgeous fountain, tons of romantic twinkle lights, a live band on weekends and the food is really good.  The service however, is awful and has been every single time I have tried to eat or even just have drinks there.   I had made reservations for 7:30.  I adjusted the time of the reservation so we could be seated near the fountain.  We arrived, the 2 hostesses looked to be about 16 and we were barely acknowledged as we approached the hostess stand.  Jason told them we had reservations and gave his name.  They then pecked around on their computer screen, grabbed 2 menus and one began walking.  We just assumed we were to follow her; no one really spoke to us.  As we enter an area of outdoor seating, I can already tell she’s walking us to a table that is really going to hack me off if I discover it’s intended for us.  It was the table furthest back, closest to the restaurant, not near the fountain and closest to the server’s entrance so we would constantly be being walked by and getting whacked with trays of food.  I made reservations specifically to avoid this.  Indeed the table was intended for us.  We sit and debate asking to be moved as soon as we see the hostess again.  A pretty good while passes and no server ever comes to our table.  We finally grab the hostess walking by and asked to be moved and she basically blew us off by mumbling something while walking away.  I’m a very “I want what I want when I want it” kind of girl.  All or nothing so…  I’ll show them!  I snatch up my purse, sling it over my shoulder, grab Jason’s arm and we get up and leave.  I make sure to storm off real good, making sure my heels are click clacking in just the right way, all the way dragging Jason behind me like whipped golden retriever.  My service at this place, even when I did get a waiter, has always been deplorable but the place is always jam packed.  I guess there’s a lot to be said for food and atmosphere.  What-eves.  Café Malaga:  We’re done.

Here’s where the problem comes in…  I said downtown McKinney is quaint.  I didn’t say large.  There are a handful of restaurants to choose from and if you don’t have a reservation, you’re screwed.  It will be a minimum hour wait to get a table and good luck getting a seat at the bar to wait for said table to open up.  We moved on to “Sauces” and it was the standard hour wait.  We put our names on the list and went to the bar.  We waited….and waited….and waited.  No bartender ever took a drink order.  After an extended period of time, a random woman comes and takes our drink order.  I asked if they had a blush wine and she said:  “Uuuuum, we have white zinfandel?”  *Eye roll.  We wait….and we wait….and we wait….  She never brings drinks.  We get up and leave.  By this point I’m in a crazed, almost belligerent state and holding myself back from grabbing random strangers on their way in, while I’m on my way out to say:  “DON’T DO IT!!  SAVE YOURSELVES!!!”  I am walking out of the restaurant aimlessly, cursing the day McKinney was founded and everyone who resides in it and I need a drink somethin’ bad.  Jason is just following me trying to talk me down.  He immediately turns into “the negotiator” and comes at me much like the strategy we’ve seen used between “the negotiator” and the armed gunman on episodes of “Dallas SWAT”  “Misty honey, step out of the dark place.  Come back to me.  Breathe.  Let’s say to hell with eating dinner and let’s just go get wasted.”  DEAL. 

Finally we pass the Landon Winery.  Awe, the winery.  Every single table is full except one 2-top tucked away right in front of the band.  I’ll take it.  At this point, sitting outside on the sidewalk with a glass of white zinfandel was looking appealing to me, ya know….  If I could just get someone to take my cockadoodie drink order!!  We sit, we order wine and try to get into a better disposition.  After a little time passes I notice a group with a prime table stirring.  They’re about to leave, I can tell!  I immediately send Jason over to stalk it.  I stay seated in case we don’t get it and then lose our current crappy table.  BOOM!  He gets the table and I come running.  The mood shift is happening!!  The band was good, the wine began to flow and Jason’s phone goes off and it’s “Sauces” saying our table is ready.  We agree we’ve decided to drink our dinner.  Go to hell “Sauces”.  We were seated near some cool folks who were friendly and talkative.  Jason went to the bathroom at one point and an older gentlemen seated close to us decided he wanted to talk to me.  It was mentioned that we were out celebrating our anniversary and he said we were a lovely couple and he’s in the middle of a divorce from a 35 year marriage.  That immediately intrigued me and I scooted closer because my nosy self was going to get THAT story.  I asked him:  “You put in 35 years and you quit now?  Do you miss her?”  He informed me he’d checked out about 10 years earlier but was just hanging around and going through the motions on account of his daughter.  Apparently his daughter has stopped speaking to him over the divorce.  Jason returned and I introduced them and discovered he’s a high school economics teacher.  We discussed marriage, kids today and their lack of respect and lots of other stuff but it got a little wine soaked so ya know…  We wrapped it up and agreed we’d enjoyed meeting each other and had enjoyed the conversation.  This morning I couldn’t help but wake up and look over at Jason and say:  “How do you know you’re not going to just wake up 35 years down the road and want out?”  He first knew that chance meeting was going to provoke me to ask him that very question.  He second answered correctly:  “I just won’t”.

You're Ugly [send]

I have a total fear that we are rapidly becoming the rudest, most thoughtless, self-indulgent and heartless society EVER.  In the era of such advanced technology, it’s very possible to live life and take out your frustrations and get revenge on others, all the while being completely incognito.  We’re safe behind the anonymity of our tinted windshields, our phones and computers that allow us to treat people however we want because we no longer run the risk of getting popped in the face like the good old days.  Yes, yes now you can just fire off an angry e-mail or call the hotline and get someone fired or just basically ruin a total strangers life and/or day without feeling a thing or ever having to face anyone and be forced to ask ourselves the question:  “Was that really necessary?  Or was it just too easy?”

As social networking expands, the odd part of in all of this is; we are completely losing our social skills.  When we’re not treating total strangers like dirt online these days we’re barely interacting at all face to face.  Why offer a smile to the cashier at the store?  I’ve got fresh victims living in my computer to devoir when I get home!  I’ll give a for instance:  I challenge you to look up any youtube video; the videos content has absolutely no relevance.  Scroll down and if the first two pages of viewer comments doesn’t have you questioning where we as a people are headed than you won’t relate to this blog on any level.  Just cut it off and just stop reading now… 

It’s the mixture of pure maliciousness and the out n’ out stupidity that leaves me beating my head against the keyboard.  Let’s separate the commenters into a few groups, shall we? #1:  “The Troller” – These are the people who live to leave nasty comments for the thrill of making waves.  They like to go to “In Memory” videos and call the deceased an ugly slut or say things like:  “Kill it!  Kill it with fire!” on a video of a girl that’s not so cute and made the mistake of trying to sing”.   I find anyone that entertains their nonsense to be equally stupid.  Then I notice “The Troller’s” profile pic is a World of Warcraft character and they’re watching videos of kittens rolling around in a bowl at 10:00 P.M. on a Saturday night so that would explain their anger towards life in general and I guess we’ll chalk that up as punishment enough for now.  #2:  “The Uptight Guy” -- This is the person who could spoil a wet dream.  An example:  I was watching an adorable video of a guy playing around with his Doberman Pinscher.  They were playing, aggressively yes but it was clear through both his and his dog’s body language the dog was having the time of his life.  Jason and Piper play like this all the time; she absolutely loves it.  The guy and his dobe were taking turns in the role of “alpha” and when it was the human’s turn he would roll his dog over on his back, roughhouse a little and start all over.  When it was over, it was over.  The dog was told play time was over and to sit.  The dog sat immediately and was shown affection.  There was nothing going on but a guy having fun with his dog and a dog having fun with his master.  But oh no…  no, no, no…  inevitably there has to be the occasional comment out of the realm of “that was adorable” to point out how you should never turn a dog on its back because that’s considered threatening and a degrading thing for a dog and will result in a bite.  Yeah, ‘cause you know this particular dog and this owner so well, right?  Why do you care if he gets bit, for that matter?  I can see how the dog’s glistening coat and obvious respect for his owner would lead you to believe he is being mistreated and should be removed from his playful, loving, stable home so he can be put in a shelter and euthanized in a week.    I hate this guy the most.  He represents the wussifcation of America and it’s that kind of thinking I blame for the over-inflation of political correctness and frivolous lawsuits.  Thank guys like him for tort reform.  Yep, that guy…  I hate him more than “The Dumbass” which we’re getting to now…  #3:  “The Dumbass” -- We’re not going to spend much on “The Dumbass” because it’s pretty self-explanatory and a waste of my time.  They leave comments like:  “Is this for real??” on images of hideously photoshopped creatures from the planet Schneckenbloink.  At some point you realize they can’t help it and the pity factor kicks in so you allot forgiveness.  I guess my point through all this is I have this fantasy of lifting the veil between commenters and video posters, post comment war, and see what happens.  Total lab rat scenario.  I can’t help but think no one would have a damn thing to say.  I think you'd hear crickets...  Why?  I think the answer is obvious.  I think to truly examine the belief that people are inherently good you really need to examine how the majority of people act when given the privilege of having absolutely no consequences for their actions.  Nine times out of ten, a person is going to opt to be a dick.  Like it, don’t like it…  I calls it like I sees it. 

My neighbors have 2 dogs.  They get out of the back fence pretty frequently.  They roam around, they’re not hurting anyone but animal control is always here within minutes;  which means, a neighbor has spotted them on the loose and called them.  I have to ask the question:  “Do those dogs roaming around REALLY bother someone THAT bad that they feel the need to report them and have their dogs taken away?”  Or was it just too easy to make ruining someone else’s day the highlight of their own?  As soon as I figure out who keeps getting their dogs taken away I’m going to sue them for emotional distress and increased paranoia that everyone really is out to get me….  Oh but wait, then they’d know who I am, huh?  There are court orders to keep them away and keep me safe though, right?...........RIGHT?  Would we like, have to face each other and stuff?

Call Me Layla: Momma Lioness

I am in such a gross place today.  Jason received an e-mail and a phone call from the teacher/coach we’ve been having issues with.  The coach did apologize profusely and made it seem as though the “ribbing” was done in a much more light hearted manner than Drew made it out to be.  Just because it was light hearted to him, doesn’t mean it was to Drew.  Grown man vs. 13 year old boy just somehow doesn’t seem fair to me.  After the call, Jason and I had a moment of asking ourselves the question:  “Did we go for the jugular too fast?”  In my head, it almost seems like because he was nice about it and apologized, we were the mean ones.   I have to remember he was nice because we threatened further action if it didn’t stop and made it clear we’re not playing.  I hate to second guess myself.  I’m no shrinking violet and one should never poke me with a stick because you’ll draw back a bloody stump but I often lash out first and feel bad for it later; I’m like a sour patch kid that way.  But I did let this one breathe for a while and gave it a chance to dissipate.  It didn’t, so here we are.

Our instinct as parents is to protect our children from being hurt at all costs.  I watched the most amazing Disney Documentary on HBO called “African Cats” with the kids a few weeks ago.  It takes you on the most beautiful journey of momma cats in the wild having to fiercely protect their young and sometimes paying with their lives.   Layla the lioness paid with her life.  It made me tear up a few times.  It makes the quote:  “There is no stronger bond than that of a momma lion and her cub”.  It was amazing to me how that instinct carries over into human mommies, too. Yes, I am a momma lioness.  Mess with my cub and I’ll come for you.  But did momma lioness get too mad too fast here?  I still say no…  Let’s backtrack….

After I spoke with Jason, I was left feeling really uneasy so I called Drew down to make sure I had all my facts straight.  The teacher claimed there was no one else in the room when he pulled up the images and that he pulled up those particular characters because when he was “ribbing” Drew about his hair being too long Drew said:  “Well at least I’m not as bad as Joe Dirt or Pony Boy Curtis”.  So the coach later pulled up these images to “rib” him and point out he wasn’t far from it.  He’s using the fact that Drew brought up these particular characters to try and deflect the real issue.  Luckily, I don’t get distracted easily.  You’re not going to dangle something shiny in front of my face and think I’ll lose the scent I’m trailing.  In the immortal words of Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”  The issue is, no matter who brought up the characters, he still embarrassed and harassed my son.  No amount of tap dancing is going to get me to see it otherwise.  He embarrassed him over something as harmless as esthetics and what he deems an inappropriate length of hair for a boy.  Also, Drew said:  “Mom, he’s lying.  My whole class was in the room and a girl I have a crush on was just a few seats down and she heard it.”  He said:  “I laughed it off at the time because I didn’t want it to become more of a scene than it already was.  What was I supposed to do?”  My heart broke for him.  I said:  “Drew you did exactly what I would expect you to do.  You were respectful, you didn’t talk back to an authority figure who was belittling you and for that I am so proud of you”.  You behaved how I raised you.”  He went on to say that when kids get ahold of things like this, they will now spread it like wildfire around the school and pretty soon Joe Dirt will be his new nickname; a nickname that was started at the hands of a teacher.  He tells me how mean kids are now; one wrong move and you’re toast.  I haven’t forgotten the hell that was school and it's only gotten worse.  I hated every minute of it and hit the ground running on my last day of senior year.  I can’t tell Drew that but I sure do remember.  He does better in school than I did but he seems to have just as hard a time with the politics as I did.  I knew I was in there somewhere….

I do admit that kids today have gotten a little overprotected and teachers often have to be overly P.C.   My mom tells me horror stories about how one innocent comment from a teacher can have a swarm of parents up to the school in a raging fit.  Jason often talks about the wussification of America and how the entitlement that is so instilled in this generation should scare the hell out of us.  I do however, think that where kids have gotten a little bit of extra cushion, they’ve had to make up for it with the dog eat dog situation that’s so prevalent in today’s school system.  Not to mention, the social networking that can continue to badger them long after the last school bell rang.  But I do feel confident that I know the difference between one off color comment that could be easily shrugged off and an ongoing case of bullying from a teacher, no less.  I’m not what I would consider an overbearing mother, (Jason would argue), but I feel that I have a good sense for when it’s time to step in for my kid.  I refuse to let myself feel bad or think I overstepped my bounds.  I think what the coach did was wrong and I’m not going feel guilty for doing something about it.  In the e-mail I sent to the coach I made the statement:  “My son is a kind, well-mannered kid who’s never once had to be reprimanded for his behavior so if you’re biggest issue with him is about the length of his hair; I think that speaks volumes”.  Drew and I have talked and hugged it out.  I’ve praised him for being the good kid that he is, tried to insert the steel rod in his back he’ll need sometimes in life to keep his head up, slapped him on the butt and will now send him on his merry way.  However I did make sure to remind him of the old adage his dad always tells him about the mean kids who tease you for making good grades: “They may call you a nerd now but someday they’ll be calling you sir.”  Go forth, my boy.  Momma Lioness will be watching from here...

Road Rage and Gold Suburban Mom

There are times when stone cold reminders slap me in the face that I’m a grown up now and have three children and have to watch my tongue and actions.  One of my biggest flaws that I have to acknowledge is that I am a serious road rage sufferer.  It became apparent this morning when I was stuck behind a car to get into Lily’s school.  There are 2 lanes – the lane I needed was wide open but the car in front of me didn’t seem to think she had enough room to pull in to the lane she needed, (I assure you, she did; two car lengths to be exact).  I know that because I had far too much time to stare at how much space she had and slowly came to hate her guts.  She just sat in the road allowing traffic to build up for miles.  I’ll admit I was clutching the steering wheel pretty hard but I hadn’t said a word.  From the back seat I hear Reid yell, “JUST GO, LADY!”  The record skipped.  I’ll get to how I’m going to work on that and better myself only so you won’t think I’m a monster because I’m learning from my mistakes and all that jazz so just sit tight.

I first have to get my rant out of the way; there’s just no way around it.  See the problem here is that everyone behind the wheel of a car is an idiot except for me.  It boggles my mind that I literally only drive a few miles back and forth each day and the number of idiot moves I witness on a daily basis has me tempted to duck tape my car in mattress foam or just finally achieve the hermit/shut-in status I’ve been working towards for the past 6 years so I don’t have to deal with it and can avoid eventual blood pressure meds.  Right of way, how 4-way stops work, you can turn right on red, GET OFF YOUR PHONE and please for the love of Pete just GO!!!!!!!!!  These are my daily struggles but one thing in particular that doesn’t involve any of these things has started to crawl under my skin to epic proportions.   There is a situation in the carpool lane at Drew’s school and my anger towards the situation has started to become unnerving and unnatural.  There is only one lane that you can use to pick up and drop off your kids.  There are 3 lanes total  --  one to pull in, one to pick up, one to exit.  You CANNOT pick up your child unless you have reached the pick up lane by the sidewalk where they are to wait until you’ve gotten there.  They CANNOT cross lanes to get to your car sooner because that’s obviously dangerous.  Every parent has to wait their turn except for one mother who drives a gold suburban who every single day, bypasses the entire line by using the lane you are only to use after you’ve picked up your kid, (the exit lane), and allow other parents to pull up.  She pulls up beside the line and has her daughter walk through the cars because I guess she’s superior and doesn’t have to wait in the line like everyone else.  Now the reason this is getting to me sooooo much is because the principal at Drew’s school is hardcore.  She carries a walky-talky and has a scowl on her face that makes a person suspect she’s just sucked on a bag of lemons and talks like she’s chewing her face.  I have lovingly dubbed her “Robo Principal” for my own amusement.  She goes out there every day and struts up and down that carpool line in a full-on battle stance – *march, march *hands on hips.  She’s just lookin’ for trouble.  She brings the hammer down on a different parent every single day.  If you didn’t pull up fast enough, if you left too much space in between you and the car in front of you, if you picked your kid up a moment before you reached that sidewalk she will approach your car, have you roll down the window and chew you out in front of the entire line.  Every parent knows who’s about to get it because she makes a beeline for them and it’s on like donkey kong.  If there were background music it would be something along the lines of Darth Vader’s “Imperial March”.  I’ve fully expected her to rip parents from their vehicles and beat them about the head and neck with that walky-talky before.  We’ve all had our turns getting our butt-chewings from her so the shame isn’t as harsh as it was in the beginning.  Well of course, everyone except gold suburban mom.  Like I said, she does this daily and has never once been made to face to wrath of Robo Principal.  She’s never gotten caught, not once.  Either she’s luckiest broad I’ve ever encountered or she has the timing down to an art form.  She’s always made it back out onto the main road by the time Robo Principal has stormed out of the side doors – walky-talky in hand, scowl on face, hands on hips.  It’s a running joke because even Drew is aware of gold suburban mom and aware of my utter distain because clearly I can’t keep my mouth shut.  I sit there in that damn carpool lane and just think about getting out of my car and walking up and knocking on her window and just screaming:  “YOU’RE A CHEATER!  CHEATER MOM!  CHEATER MOM!  DOES EVERYBODY SEE THE CHEATER MOM!?!?!”  Then I’d point at her, get all my glory when the parents shake their heads in judgment and then I’d feel incredibly proud of myself.   (……………………………….Don’t worry, I’m considering therapy.)

But after hearing Reid mimicking my lack of tolerance and short temper, I’m going to make great efforts and strides to take it down a notch and do my best not to be the woman seething with rage behind the wheel of my big black SUV..  Today I will watch gold suburban mom cheat and I won’t let it ruffle my feathers in the least.  Today when I get pulled out in front of, (and I will), instead of flipping the bird I will smile and wave.  I will stop being in such a hurry and stop plotting the death of the person in front of me who can’t find their gas pedal.  But before I grow up entirely, I will pull out one last childish antic and show you a picture of the gold suburban.  I couldn’t catch her in the actual act of cheating because with my luck Robo Principal would have pummeled me with her walky-talky for having my phone out in a school zone.  Just do me this one favor…  Look at this vehicle, have a look of disgust and mutter “bitch” under your breath.  Love you, mean it.