Mommy & Me

 

This could very well be one of the more controversial and/or ill received blogs I’ve ever written down, (assuming anyone reads it), but it’s an issue I’ve always wanted to talk about but I’ve struggled on how to get it out without it being misinterpreted.  So here’s me taking my best shot to put it out there and see if I’m the only one that feels this way.  It’s simply an occurrence I’ve noticed wherever a circle of mothers gather.  It’s less common among a group of close women friends but it’s particularly prevalent at children’s birthday parties, school functions, play dates and among playground mom gangs.  There seems to be some unwritten rule or general belief that once you’ve reached the party and loosened your death grip on your kid enough to allow him/her to take off to play with the other children, it’s then we mothers are left alone to force small talk.  It will always be a safe bet to assume the subject matter we immediately go to is our children and the rearing of.  I’ve never been sure if it’s the inevitable “go to” topic because it’s clear it’s the one thing we all have in common or if it’s a deeper pressure that in some bizarre way, we believe if we don’t talk about our children with someone who also has children, this in some way makes us bad mothers.  What makes this particularly intriguing to me is, once you let your kid loose to join the gaggle of other kids, they don’t waste another minute worried about you.  In fact they hate to see you coming.  They will never pause on the waterslide to ask whether you want a snack or need to poop.  Yes they are children, but sometimes I think we could all take a cue from them and lighten up a little.  I’m often tempted to ditch the clucking chickens and their stuffy banter to take my own turn on the waterslide.

I’m always mentally prepared for the obligatory mom chatter.  All my stock conversation is accounted for and notecards in order upon arrival.  “Yes, Lily was so slow to talk and regressed a bit when I had Reid.”  “No we don’t attend Mommy & Me Yoga.”  “Yes, I allow them to have gluten.”  Speaking of gluten, I’m also well-versed in how to deal with the “Perfect Mother” and the dietary interrogation to follow. As sure as the sun will rise, “Perfect Mother” will monopolize the conversation and will brag for hours on end about her child’s macrobiotic, vegan non-dairy diet and how it keeps their behavior in check.  Meanwhile I’ve seen this same kid’s head submerged, ear deep, in a bowl of starbursts while her back was turned only after taking breaks from beating other children over the head with water noodles.  This is where I simply smile and nod, smile and nod.  This is where I’m going to stress how I don’t want to be misread; I think parenting is different for everyone.  Every mother and father make choices they feel are best suited for their children and it’s really no one’s business but their own.  My problem is when their theories and practices are shoved onto others.  At these functions, I think it should be clear that every mom obviously took time out of their day to take their kid to socialize.  If the kid came clothed and doesn’t look emaciated, then I’m going to assume they’re doing a good job until proven otherwise.  But at gatherings such as these, it feels as though it becomes a “who’s the best mom” competition.  There’s always one weaker mom you can see slowly getting taken over by the more outspoken, overbearing mother.   I can see her slowly crumble as judgmental and unsolicited advice gets crammed down her throat.  She begins to look helpless; as though she’s questioning every choice she’s ever made.  I’m not her…  “Perfect Mother” doesn’t get far with me because I’ve mastered how to say “step off” with little more than a look -- (it’s a finely honed skill….)  My way of dealing with “Perfect Mother” may get me written off as nothing more than a stuck up snot but I was thinking the same about her.  Why should her feelings about me be any more substantial than mine about her? 

Whether you work or not, motherhood is still a 24/7 job.  It’s something we do day in, day out.  If you’ve ever noticed, sometimes people with high stress jobs don’t want to discuss their work because it’s all they do and sometimes they’re tired of talking about it and would like to let the subject rest so they have the strength to go back.  What’s more, no one ever questions their desire NOT to discuss it!  I feel the same way about mom chatter.  Just once I’d love for someone to ask if anyone’s tried the new restaurant that just went in or is anyone going to see the new production going on at the Performing Arts Center.  Maybe I’m an oddball...  Maybe I’m the one that should be ashamed that I welcome talk of anything other than tantrums and grade level reading comprehension.  I’m not in competition with other mothers.  I don’t do everything perfectly and I make mistakes every day but I don’t need to justify myself.  It’s okay for me to have an existence and sense of self outside of my children and that DOES NOT make me a bad mother.  I guess I also don’t mean to imply I don’t like discussing my or other people’s children…  I’m just saying that I don’t think it should be a requirement to be seen as accepted or “fit”.  I wouldn’t even be thinking about it if it wasn’t something that happens over and over and over.  It’s almost like a script that is to be closely followed.

I’ve taken a notion to go buy those little “getting to know you” cards you can buy at novelty stores for the next party that spark conversation among new friends – (obviously not the naughty ones).  I may be ostracized and run out of town on a rail but at least I will have tried.  I can hear the whispers at PTA now…  “There’s that mom that brought those cards that lets her kids have pop tarts!  Where does she get off?”  But maybe… just maybe, the frail mom that gets overpowered is secretly thinking what I’m thinking but never had the strength to speak up.  Maybe I’ll crack the door and let a little light in.  Maybe we’ll become friends and maybe I’ll have someone new to go to the new production at the Performing Arts Center with.  Stay tuned – it’s birthday season. *blows party horn*