This could very well be one of the more controversial and/or
ill received blogs I’ve ever written down, (assuming anyone reads it), but it’s
an issue I’ve always wanted to talk about but I’ve struggled on how to get it
out without it being misinterpreted. So
here’s me taking my best shot to put it out there and see if I’m the only one
that feels this way. It’s simply an occurrence
I’ve noticed wherever a circle of mothers gather. It’s less common among a group of close women
friends but it’s particularly prevalent at children’s birthday parties, school
functions, play dates and among playground mom gangs. There seems to be some unwritten rule or
general belief that once you’ve reached the party and loosened your death grip
on your kid enough to allow him/her to take off to play with the other
children, it’s then we mothers are left alone to force small talk. It will always be a safe bet to assume the subject
matter we immediately go to is our children and the rearing of. I’ve never been sure if it’s the inevitable “go
to” topic because it’s clear it’s the one thing we all have in common or if it’s
a deeper pressure that in some bizarre way, we believe if we don’t talk about
our children with someone who also has children, this in some way makes us bad
mothers. What makes this particularly intriguing
to me is, once you let your kid loose to join the gaggle of other kids, they don’t
waste another minute worried about you. In
fact they hate to see you coming. They
will never pause on the waterslide to ask whether you want a snack or need to
poop. Yes they are children, but sometimes
I think we could all take a cue from them and lighten up a little. I’m often tempted to ditch the clucking
chickens and their stuffy banter to take my own turn on the waterslide.
I’m always mentally prepared for the obligatory mom chatter. All my stock conversation is accounted for
and notecards in order upon arrival. “Yes,
Lily was so slow to talk and regressed a bit when I had Reid.” “No we don’t attend Mommy & Me Yoga.” “Yes, I allow them to have gluten.” Speaking
of gluten, I’m also well-versed in how to deal with the “Perfect Mother” and
the dietary interrogation to follow. As sure as the sun will rise, “Perfect
Mother” will monopolize the conversation and will brag for hours on end about
her child’s macrobiotic, vegan non-dairy diet and how it keeps their behavior
in check. Meanwhile I’ve seen this same
kid’s head submerged, ear deep, in a bowl of starbursts while her back was
turned only after taking breaks from beating other children over the head with
water noodles. This is where I simply smile
and nod, smile and nod. This is where I’m
going to stress how I don’t want to be misread; I think parenting is different
for everyone. Every mother and father
make choices they feel are best suited for their children and it’s really no
one’s business but their own. My problem
is when their theories and practices are shoved onto others. At these functions, I think it should be
clear that every mom obviously took time out of their day to take their kid to
socialize. If the kid came clothed and
doesn’t look emaciated, then I’m going to assume they’re doing a good job until
proven otherwise. But at gatherings such
as these, it feels as though it becomes a “who’s the best mom” competition. There’s always one weaker mom you can see
slowly getting taken over by the more outspoken, overbearing mother. I can
see her slowly crumble as judgmental and unsolicited advice gets crammed down
her throat. She begins to look helpless; as though she’s questioning every choice she’s ever made. I’m not her…
“Perfect Mother” doesn’t get far with me because I’ve mastered how to
say “step off” with little more than a look -- (it’s a finely honed skill….) My way of dealing with “Perfect Mother” may
get me written off as nothing more than a stuck up snot but I was thinking the
same about her. Why should her feelings
about me be any more substantial than mine about her?
Whether you work or not, motherhood is still a 24/7
job. It’s something we do day in, day
out. If you’ve ever noticed, sometimes
people with high stress jobs don’t want to discuss their work because it’s all
they do and sometimes they’re tired of talking about it and would like to let the subject
rest so they have the strength to go back. What’s more, no one ever questions their
desire NOT to discuss it! I feel the
same way about mom chatter. Just once I’d
love for someone to ask if anyone’s tried the new restaurant that just went in or
is anyone going to see the new production going on at the Performing Arts
Center. Maybe I’m an oddball... Maybe I’m the one that should be ashamed that
I welcome talk of anything other than tantrums and grade level reading
comprehension. I’m not in competition
with other mothers. I don’t do
everything perfectly and I make mistakes every day but I don’t need to justify
myself. It’s okay for me to have an
existence and sense of self outside of my children and that DOES NOT make me a
bad mother. I guess I also don’t mean to
imply I don’t like discussing my or other people’s children… I’m just saying that I don’t think it should
be a requirement to be seen as accepted or “fit”. I wouldn’t even be thinking about it if it wasn’t
something that happens over and over and over.
It’s almost like a script that is to be closely followed.
I’ve taken a notion to go buy those little “getting to know
you” cards you can buy at novelty stores for the next party that spark conversation among new
friends – (obviously not the naughty ones).
I may be ostracized and run out of town on a rail but at least I will have
tried. I can hear the whispers at PTA
now… “There’s that mom that brought
those cards that lets her kids have pop tarts!
Where does she get off?” But maybe… just maybe, the frail
mom that gets overpowered is secretly thinking what I’m thinking but never had
the strength to speak up. Maybe I’ll
crack the door and let a little light in.
Maybe we’ll become friends and maybe I’ll have someone new to go to the
new production at the Performing Arts Center with. Stay tuned – it’s birthday season. *blows party
horn*
