Tales From The Gym

I realize lately I haven’t had much to say outside of gym jibber jabber.  I’m not particularly proud of that because I hate one-track-minded people, who can only talk about one thing.  It’s just been a new installment for us and I’m trying to improve my stamina and general fitness and it seems to be all I have to talk about lately because I don’t get out much.  I whole-heartedly admit I workout solely for the sake of vanity.  I’m not a health nut and I don’t care who knows it.  I don’t know my MBI, nor do I care to.  I guess that’s just a disclaimer I wanted to put out there in case I get mistaken as a fitness enthusiast….

We’ve been loving our membership and have gotten so much out of it:  mommy and daddy night out, bonding, purged pores and sore muscles.  I’ve also got to watch the avid gym buff in their natural habitat.  In order to get my 30 minutes in on the treadmill, I require distraction and being a natural born people watcher, I will find it.  I like to get lost in my music and take in the company around me.  My mom and I discussed this the other day and both agree that we’re not fans of workout classes and/or group activities.  I don’t care to do zumba or be in an overly packed yoga class that’s wall to wall people sweating, making sounds that make me uncomfortable and the occasional strange foot in my space.  I don’t like feet or people and feet belong to people so that’s an all-around recipe for disaster.  After years of staying home, the result has been me becoming socially awkward and I’m no longer a people person.  I don’t need a group to feel motivated and I much prefer to workout alone and zone out.  It’s become my therapy…  I see those crazy boot camp people having their circle discussions and “getting’ to know ya” moments and it just weirds me out.

As I walk through the gym, I survey the crowd.  You can see who’s there to actually to get a SERIOUS workout and assess what’s their driving force:  the meatheads that think no one belongs there but them, the barbies who workout out in full make-up who are looking to be picked up and the cruising guys who are happy to oblige.  From my observations, the hardest working people in the gym, not to mention the most fit, are the women 30 and over.  They mean business and will wear your ass out; true story.  I see them doing power squats while balancing on those weird half-ball thingamajiggies while holding kettlebells -- hats off to you ladies!  They’s some bad mamma-jammas.  I love anything weird to watch while I run because it gives me something to focus on other than the fatigued feeling in my butt cheeks.  There’s a particular girl I see frequently that always manages to get a spot right in front of me and has the weirdest running form of anyone I’ve ever seen.  Jason has witnessed her too and we’ve had the occasional drive home, discussing the “weird running girl”.  She doesn’t take time to warm up and walk a little first.  She immediately goes into a run and flails around in the weirdest motions.  We’ve debated on whether she’s dancing while running but either way, she’s working twice as hard as she needs to and messed around one day and got one foot off and one foot on the belt and almost slid off.  She stops frequently to do odd stretches and Monday night she did the most random forward stretch and had her ass directly in the air for a lengthy period of time.  Keep in mind I was on the treadmill directly behind her along with ROWS AND ROWS of others…  I feel for you men, I really do.  That lengthy, suggestive stretch, combined with yoga pants, was enough to make even the most trustworthy man look over.  I’m a chick and even I couldn’t look away….

The other to watch is the guys with huge egos who look in the mirror the entire time.  Ahhh yes, the pretty boy who can’t stop himself from looking over and admiring himself throughout his entire run.  For the record, I hate this guy more than anyone and I’m not wasting another minute on him.  No need to compliment people like that because they already compliment themselves plenty.  Wait, I lied; I hate the people who get right next to you when there are tons of other machines available MORE.  I call these the “keep up” people.  They need to outrun someone and will only run just a little a longer than you to prove something.  It particularly irks me when I was already 10 minutes into a full stride when they begin.  I thought I was experiencing that the other night but only became certain of it when after any gesture I made, she’d make.  I wipe with a towel, she wiped with a towel.  I change a song on my phone, she messes with her phone.  I get inside my head so much sometimes I almost became the random, paranoid, gym woman who stopped running to yell:  “Why you tryin’ to copy me!?!?!”.  Then would come the silenced room of no one making any sudden moves to bait the crazy lady, the awkward stares and me skulking into the dressing room to await my canceled membership for unstable behavior.  Anyone who already thinks I’m a nutcase, you should see the part of me I keep bound and gagged.

Basically the gym, for me, boils down to a lot of egos, weirdness and the occasional badass who inspires me to do more but isn’t there to prove anything to anyone but themselves.  You can generally tell who those people are by the way they carry themselves.   It can be motivation and also some of the realest evidence of human nature available.  I have a serious love/hate relationship with it.  I’m just trying to get in shape but what I’ve noticed just by being there and having nothing but time to take it all in has just been a bonus.  People watching galore!  Also, if I happened to get a nicer ass out of this than I’m all for it.