Thirty Something

So…  Here I am, about to be 31 --  18 days and counting.  It almost hurts me to write that down.   I guess the question at this moment in time would be, “In my 31 years, what have I learned?”  I’ve learned a butt-load and I guess I feel like putting some of it in black and white for all to see.  I guess it’s no secret by now that I’m an open book and what you see is what you get.  So here it is…

I’ve learned that marrying Jason was the best decision I ever made.  He’s a God.  I met a young, college-bound guy and have watched him mature into a full-fledged man, a very attentive husband and a truly amazing father.  I honestly feel that he was given to me to make up for all the male love and acceptance I lacked growing up.  He’s made up for that in immeasurable ways.  I can’t imagine it being easy to be married to a girl with severe daddy and abandonment issues but he’s stayed with it.  I don’t think many men would have jumped through the hoops he’s jumped through and maintained the patience he’s had with me.  I should say I don’t deserve him but the truth is; I think I do.  I deserve him for the greater good he’s created in me.  I deserve to see a man be loving and affectionate with his children.  I deserve to see a man work his tail off and come home every single night to his family.  I DESERVE IT.  I DESERVE HIM.  I had a lot to learn about what being a good wife meant in the beginning.  I’ve learned it and I’m all the better for it.  I’ve learned that a good marriage doesn’t just happen.  It needs constant maintenance and attention.  I’ve learned you’re going to fight.  I firmly believe couples who claim they don’t fight are full of crap and those who think a good husband and wife blow-out every now then isn’t completely normal are delusional.  Jason and I live hundreds of miles from family or any kind of support system.  When trouble arises, it’s just us.  It’s not always easy being on our own and there are some things that will inevitably be taken out on each other during tough times.  The good part is, we usually throw all our demons out on the table right off the bat and knock it out.  No silent and hidden, yet building animosity, in a sense.  We’re good that way.  We’ve always said, “it’s just you n’ me, kid”.  I vow to do everything in my power to make sure it always will be.  Men like him don’t come along twice.  So to my husband; thank you for everything and for choosing me.  It’s been a wonderful 15 years and I look forward to growing old with you.  I’m nothing without you.

I’ve learned that my children are my little mirrors.  They reflect back everything you do whether I like it or not.  Monkey see-monkey do and that’s one of the hardest parts of parenthood to overcome.  It doesn’t take but one good slip in front of your kids to see it come back tenfold.  Not long ago, Jason was watching a game on TV with Pootie-Man snuggled up right next to him eating Cheetos.  A bad play came about and Jason yelled out, “OH, What the hell?!?!”  For weeks afterward, Reid would respond with, “What the hell?!?!” to just about everything.   Jason spent half of that game trying to teach him to say ‘defense’.  The kid couldn’t say anything that even closely resembled ‘defense’ but, ‘what the hell’ comes out clear as a bell…  Go figure.  Of course you’re going to laugh but then begin immediate damage control.  The required growing up to be an effective parent is no joke!  Times like that you get a clear message it’s time to drink a tall glass of “act right” and get with the program.  I’ve learned that my children can make me laugh so hard I cry.  I’ve learned they can also make me so mad I cry.  I have also learned that there certain undeniable things children can just sense and will put a stop to immediately:  a peaceful slumber, you’ve just sat down to eat, you’ve reached the crescendo of a movie you’ve been dying to see, sex or a very important phone call.  But no matter how loud or rotten or what they’ve interrupted, they will always be my heart living outside my body.  Before I was a mother I would hear women talk about how you have no idea how much you can love until you become a mother.  I didn’t know what it meant to love someone so much it hurts.   I do now.  Their smiles and little faces heal wounds so deep within me I don’t think I could ever put it into words.  They love me just for me and I love them just for them.  It’s poetry.  Their hugs and kisses right every wrong in my life.  I love to watch them grow and I can’t wait to see who they’ll turn into and hope they’ll someday think we did a good job as parents.  They’re the light of my life and have made me grow up in the best sense possible.  I never knew I wanted three little boogers but as fate would have it, they’re just what I never knew I always wanted.  I need them as much as they need me.  They are my soul.

I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff.  What I’ve come to discover is “small stuff” are things that don’t really having any bearing on my life.  As long as my husband still loves me, my kids are healthy and happy, the people who really mean anything to me are still there and I have a roof over my head then the rest is small stuff.  People’s opinions aren’t worth a rip.  Everyone’s a critic.  Everyone has something to say and we all know the old adage about opinions and a-holes.  I have learned that my time and focus would be better spent on those who love and cherish me.  Curling up with worry of someone’s opinion will only deepen the furrow in my brow and I really can’t afford the botox right now.  So why be wrinkled for someone else’s stupidity.  Opinions are small potatoes; wrinkles are real, far more disturbing and around for an eternity.

I’ve learned I will stand up for what I believe in and defend the ones I love but have learned to pick my battles.  If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything but not everything requires my involvement.  If I think it’s really wrong though, there’s just no shutting me up and that’s just never going to change.  Love me or leave me on that bit.  I’ve learned how to forgive but more importantly how to apologize.  I’m no saint but I’m working on being a better person and making the right choices.  At the end of the day, I can honestly say I like me just fine because I’m willing to grow, evolve and learn through everything that’s thrown my way.  I make mistakes and I stumble but it’s what I take away from these life lessons that really matters.  In 31 years I can say I have attained a wonderful husband, amazing children and a lot of wisdom I will take with me into the next 31.  I’m not perfect but I’m better than I was.